The 3 Approaches to Communication: Care-less, Care-ful, and Caring

The alternative to win-lose or lose-win thinking is win-win thinking.  Win-win thinking is to look for mutually positive outcomes in every one of life’s situations.  Instead of thinking “my way is best” or “your way is best”, there is a third “our way is best” solution.

Let’s take a closer look at 3 ways to communicate.  The first way is “care-less” communication, when we believe that we are right and others are wrong. In the adversarial world in which we live, most people communicate carelessly or without care for others, much of the time.

The second way is “care-ful” communication. To contrast it with the care-less approach, it happens when we are so concerned not to upset the other person that we allow their values to trump ours. Communicating in this mode is like walking on eggshells.  Both care-less and care-ful approaches lead to breakdowns in communication.

But there is a third way, which avoids communication breakdown and that is the caring approach. In caring, you esteem your value system and the other person’s value system simultaneously. It’s like saying, “My values are right for me and yours are right for you and that’s OK. To work together, we can always find a way to honor what each of us believes and wants, without becoming negative and disrespectful.

The Third Way of Communicating: A Simple Example

Say you’ve been out shopping with your teenage daughter.  You’re tired and hungry and your daughter says she’d like to buy a pizza for a snack. The critical nurturing parent in you knows that bought pizzas contain empty nutrients, and are expensive. So how do you move towards the third way of communicating?

The key moves are firstly to acknowledge your daughter’s request; secondly to value her wishes; and thirdly to find a win-win solution that honors both your values and hers in a caring way.

So you say, “You want a pizza? I am hungry too! What say we go home and make a smoothie?”

The most important step is assertiveness – you are offering a solution.  You are not saying “No” and closing the door to communication.  You are not saying “Yes” and caving in to other’s wishes.  If this part makes you uncomfortable, then you will need practice.

Caring and respect for others is appropriate for both home and work situations.  Win-win negotiations are highly regarded as an important life skill and work skill.  Keep the 3 Approaches in mind next time you hit a roadblock or disagree with someone.

Laurie Daschuk, BA is a Meeting Facilitator and Business Event Coordinator with Stop the Presses!

Challenges That Affect Teams – Part One

Do you know of a group that is not performing to it’s full potential?  Here are four common reasons why teams fail or fall apart and what you can do about it.  Stop the suffering! – find the right solution for a quick recovery here.

# 1.  Superficial Communication

Symptoms: Whenever your team gets together, the main topic of conversation is the game, the weather, or the weather at the game.

Prescription: The group needs to build bonds of trust.  How can a team tackle difficult discussions if they do not have experience as a group?  Plan icebreaker activities so people can talk about themselves and develop mature relationships.

For example, when I facilitate a meeting with a Board for the very first time, I like to ask people, “Why did you choose to become involved with this organization?”

This tactic really helps reserved people to open up, and for the group to start an honest conversation.  There is always ‘good stuff’ here, and everyone is interested in what is being shared.  Participants don’t have to be concerned with their opinion or saying what is “right” about an issue when they reflect and communicate their personal experience.

I can see the board members relax, likely because everyone feels that the group and facilitator (the outsider) knows them better and hears what they stand for.  This prepares the team to be ready for the challenge of working together.

A workplace scenario is a bit different.  People may not be so philosophical about why they work at a certain place if it is their main livelihood.  Most don’t really have a choice whether to work or not to work.

After-work or social events are common examples of how groups break the ice.  Often people with extra responsibilities cannot stay after work or find weekend events difficult.  Therefore, extra effort must be made to develop opportunities for team building.

Themed meetings, special events or creative conversation starters can be employed to allow team members to express themselves.  Workplace leaders need to be aware of those employees who are more withdrawn and help them have the space they need to be involved.

Try taking someone for lunch that you do not know very well.  Suggest a staff member accompany a group to a trade show for a different perspective on work.  Offer to send employees to an outside training session.  There are a variety of ways to facilitate a change from the normal, often-limiting work environments or meetings and promote meaningful conversation.

Stay tuned for Team Challenges #2, 3 and 4.

Written by Laurie Daschuk, BA

Meeting Facilitator with Stop the Presses